Stupid Romantic Fool

I really am not sure how to blog about the last 4 months of my life.

A small part of me wants to hide, however a major part of me whats to shout it from the roof tops and take it head on!!

This  may come across a bit like ‘woe is me‘, but that’s not my intention. This is just my way of letting it out and expressing how I feel.

It’s very clichéd… when people talk about how someone comes into their life and they are ‘changed forever’. I’m unsure if this is what I have experienced, as only time will tell, but I can reveal that someone very special did come into my life and made a huge impact…. probably more that she realises.

I do have to confess however that I did (not on purpose) break a promise I made to myself when I started this blog back in October 2008. I promised myself that if I was to meet someone special, that I would not jump in the deep end, that I would not suffer the ‘nice guys finish last‘ syndrome again…. but, to a degree I broke those promises I made to myself, and at this point in time I am totally regretting it!!! Yet again, this nice guy has finished last.

Having had a little amount of time to ponder over these mistakes, I am now truly aware of how POWERFUL the ‘heart‘ can be over the mind.

You see (lets call her) Miss G made it quite obvious after my second visit to her in Dec 09/Jan 10 that things were going a bit fast for her, and I totally agreed… it was a bit fast for me as well.

At that point, when I returned home to Sydney, I wish I would have read my blog and reminded myself about what NOT to do.  But the heart took over…. big time, and I kinda understand why I let it take over, but I should have been stronger…. much stronger.

Now… I don’t at all believe that there is that ‘perfect someone’ out there for us. Simply because we are all human. We are not perfect, we all make mistakes. However we do meet people, and fall in love with people who complement ourselves… like an extension of your soul or being. You also have in the back of you mind that you would like to spend time with someone who has certain characteristics or traits… again, complimenting your characteristics or traits, and not necessarily being ‘the same‘ ones.

Miss G ticked alot of box’s. Tall, intelligent, sensual, friendly and outgoing, plus numerous other things. One in particular was her passion for things she believes in.. oh,  and those gorgeous big dark brown eyes.

I put up a lot of walls after my experiences in 2008, and I thought they were pretty sturdy, with deep foundations. In the weeks leading up to meeting Miss G for the first time, I was quite confident that these walls were rock solid. At the time I was actually quite scared of what would happen if these walls I had in place disappeared!

Well… after meeting Miss G for the first time, looking into her gorgeous brown eyes, the walls started to crumble… the heart moved into the space where my brain was and took over…. damn it!!

Over that weekend and the next couple of weeks talking on the phone, I found myself falling for this truly wonderful women. Someone who I thought I would never meet. She accepted me into her life, accepting the person that I am on the inside.

We did have some happy times, from Putt-Putt with her daughter, thru to truly romantic occasions, like a candle lit dinner for her birthday. These times will remain with me for ever.

But….allas, it was not to be. My heart had taken over. I used the ‘L’ word much, much, much to soon… and the kind-hearted soul that I am bought a few to many gifts. Miss G was overwhelmed, and smothered with my kindness…. and she told me so. Did I listen? Well, of course I did… but with being scared of losing this wonderful women from my life, and the tyranny of distance…. needless to say, I failed her.

So, as hard as it is… I have accepted and respected Miss G’s decision, after all, I only have myself to blame. But, I am also frustrated… very frustrated that, due to the tyranny of distance, she was unable to see more of the true me. The Marcus that exist’s when his heart is back where it should be. The Marcus that exists when he is not a nervous wreck. The true Marcus that has not been around very often over the last 4 months because he allowed his heart to take over (AGAIN)…. I’m disappointed that Miss G did not get to meet the true me.

But the decisions have been made… and as much as it hurts, I guess I just have to move on…..

Miss G (and her lovely daughter) will ALWAYS have a very special place in my life and heart. All I hope for, is that we remain good friends… I think this a given. And maybe (and that’s a very small minute maybe) I’ll get to look deep into those eyes again. If not, so be it. But I know that I can continue on with life, content with the fact that I DID look into those big brown eyes.

Miss G, if you do happen to read this…. what you saw when you looked into my baby blues was nothing more than a romantic fool, who was falling in love…. I only wish you had the opportunity to look deeper.

“Anything worth doing is worth doing slowly.” – Mae West

~ by Marcus Wilson on February 17, 2010.